Tristan Curtis Foster (May 4, 2008)

Tristan Curtis Foster was born at 12:10 a.m., Sunday, May 4, 2008. He was 23 weeks and 0 days old. He lived until 1:38 a.m.

His birth was filled with much pain, sorrow and beauty. His death was filled with peace, heartache and loss. Both events have forever impacted our lives, and although we are in the midst of much emotional suffering, we also feel joy, gratitude, and love for our first child.

Our journey began last Thursday with a trip to the doctor's office, prompted by some unexpected and abrupt complications. A physical exam told us that while I was still carrying a healthy child, my cervix had dilated to 3 cm. and there was only the membrane of the sack between Tristan and the world. I was in the midst of premature labor. I was put on immediate bed-rest with the plan to enter the hospital if we made it to 24 weeks, where I would receive medications to try and stop the contractions so that Tristan might grow a little longer. We were told to prepare to lose him.

Saturday afternoon, I entered full labor. At the hospital, they found I was fully dilated, although the sack had not ruptured. We were faced with finalizing the decision we had already made to not revive Tristan when he was born, as the odds given by the doctor of survival were slim and the odds of having a child without severe morbidity (physical and mental disability) were even larger. We chose to let Tristan pass, as neither of us could expect our son to suffer now or later, should he beat the odds and live.

At 12:10 a.m., he was born with the sack fully in-tact. He did not struggle, cry or breathe, but a very slow detectable heart rhythm gave our son life for an hour and a half. We held him and said our goodbyes. He received a cap, dressing gown and outfit from a hospital ministry called Threads of Love, and we have beautiful photographs of him to treasure. Even though he was unable to survive outside the womb, he already showed some of our physical characteristics. He had my chin and Jeremy's nose. Had he been a few weeks older and lived, he would have been a beautiful child.

We held a memorial service on Tuesday afternoon for him, and finally began to really feel the peace of our decision and the hope that our new knowledge gave us. We have been surrounded by love from friends, family and strangers, all of whom have touched us in different ways. While we still have a long way to go, we are stronger now and will celebrate two bittersweet years of marriage next month.

Our peace in the incredible decision we faced to allow our son to die naturally came in the research found later in our return from the hospital. In an in-depth study Jeremy found on babies born during the 23 week (which I will post later once I have the link), out of twelve babies born at 0-2 days no child survived past 5 days. At 3-4 days, 4 of 10 survived to make it home after 150 days in the hospital. At 5-6 days, 7 of 11 survived to make it home. All children who survived (there were still a few recorded losses after making it home) were faced with severe morbidity, including cerebral palsy, blindness, and severe mental retardation. Many children suffered multiple conditions, both mental and physical.

Our hope in the knowledge his birth has brought lies in the fact that our desire for biological children has not been lost. Our loss was caused by an incompetence of the cervix, which will be stitched closed during our next pregnancy. There will probably be a lot of bed-rest and medications associated with our next attempt, and we will probably still end up with a premature birth. Tristan's birth was accomplished with one large push, and left no physical scars or tearing, and should not affect my ability to have natural childbirth.

We are incredibly grateful to all who have prayed for us and supported us through these dark hours. Thank you.